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Someone You Know
After a rape, survivors may be openly upset, even
hysterical, or they may be numb and seemingly calm. The
victim needs to:
Feel safe.
Rape is a traumatic violation of a person. Especially in
the beginning, it is often difficult for victims to be
alone.
Be believed.
With date rape especially, victims need to be believed
that was occurred was, in fact, rape.
Know it was not their fault. Most rape victims feel
guilty and feel that the attack was somehow their fault.
Take control of their life.
When a person is raped, they may feel completely out
of control of what is happening to them. A significant
step on the road to recovery is to regain a sense of
control in little as well as big things.
Things you can do to help
Listen; do not judge.
It is not your place to play prosecutor and make the
victim prove their story. Accept their version of the
facts and be supportive. You may have to deal with your
feeling separately if you feel that it was somehow their
fault. CSADV offers services for family and relatives of
victims of sexual assault.
Be available.
The victim may need to talk at odd hours, or a great
deal at the beginning. They may not have a lot of people
they can talk to, and they may over rely on one person.
Be there as much as you can and give them information
about the crisis line, individual and group counseling
at CSADV.
Let her know she is not to blame.
This is crucial. Many rape victims blame themselves. The
victim needs to be reassured that the rapist is to
blame, not the victim.
Be patient and understanding.
Everyone has their own timetable for recovering from a
rape. Do not impose your own timetable on the victim.
Encourage action.
For example, suggest that they call CSADV, go to a
hospital or other health facility, and/or call the
police. Respect their decision if they decide not to
file charges.
Do not be overly protective.
Encourage the victim to make their own decisions. They
need to feel in control of their life and this will not
be possible if you do everything for them.
Accept their choice of solution to the rape,
Even if you disagree with
what they are doing. It is more important that the
victim make decisions and have them respected than it is
for you to impose what you think is the "right"
decision.
Put aside your feelings and deal with them somewhere
else.
Although it is supportive for a rape survivor to
know that others are equally upset with what happened,
it does the victim no good if on top of their own
feelings they have to deal with your feelings. If you
have strong feelings, talk to another friend or call
CSADV.
Reactions and Feelings of
Significant Others
Family members and significant others have also been
victimized when someone they know, love or care about
has been sexually assaulted. Significant others may also
have expressed and controlled reactions, similar to rape
victims themselves. This also indicates a state of shock
from the incident. Some common feelings felt by
significant others of rape victims are:
Anger
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At assailant for committing the crime
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At victim for engaging in "risky" behavior
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At system for letting "those kind of
people" run the streets
Concern
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For the victim’s well being and safety
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For the victim’s rights
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About how the rape will effect their own
life
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About how the relationship between the
victim and significant other will change
Embarrassment
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Worry about gossip
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Embarrassed for the victim
Guilt
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Feel guilty for not having prevented the
assault ("I should have been with them, or I should have
given them a ride home…")
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Feel guilty for not having been there to
protect the victim
Vulnerability
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Realization that it can happen to them too
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Intense heightened awareness of
environment
The Most Important Words to
Communicate to a Survivor:
"I’m glad you’re alive."
"It’s not your fault."
"I’m sorry it happened."
"You did the best you could."
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